Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
