he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
