Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
