Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
