life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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