it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
