i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
