operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
