and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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