She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize