it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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