We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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