shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
