my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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