dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
