i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
