Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
