Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
