Already got asked if we're dating
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
