I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
