Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize