Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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