The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Randomize
