On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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