Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
