I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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