i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
