My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
