my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
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