The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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