I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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