can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
