Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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