phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
