FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
