when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
