oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
