He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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