oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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