My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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