I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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