I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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