I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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