There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Pooping to opera.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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