He uses pillows to masturbate.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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