I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
