I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize