i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My ATM looks so different sober.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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