I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
