I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
