The brown eye won't let me do that either.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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