Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
