Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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