I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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