There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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