when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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