You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
