My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
