guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
